There's a difference between asserting how we feel and stating what we want to see happen, as opposed to being emotional, aggressive, passive-aggressive, accusing or attacking.
Understanding the difference is really helpful for two reasons: one, it makes it easier for the other person to explain himself or own what he's done; and two, it admits the possibility that we might have misread the other person's actions and motives and gives them a chance to explain before we accuse them of anything.
Healthy assertiveness goes like this:
"What I see happening is..."
"How I feel is..." and
"What I would like to see happen is..."
It welcomes the other person to respond with the following:
"Your feelings are important to me..."
"What I see happening is..."
"What I'm prepared to do is..."
Even if you've misread the situation, the person can at least respond to the fact that you are feeling a certain way.
It can produce a win-win outcome!
But unhealthy aggressiveness behaves like this:
"You did this..."
"You meant this..."
"You are a @#*&!"
"Therefore I'm doing this...!"
It doesn't leave any room for the possibility that we may have misread the situation.
Or even if we've read it right, such aggression and accusation is not likely to get a positive response. We need to show that we're looking for a win-win outcome. Otherwise it's just mud-slinging.
Sometimes we have our own baggage which makes us misread others. That's why it's helpful to leave-out the aggressiveness and accusations and emotions until we give the other person a chance to explain or respond.
Let's always aim for win-win situations.
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